Robert Cringely Understands Economics

Check out Walter Cringely's brilliant analysis of Steve Jobs and the recent iPhone price cut:

So why did he do it? Why did he cut the price? I have no inside information here, but it seems pretty obvious to me: Apple introduced the iPhone at $599 to milk the early adopters and somewhat limit demand then dropped the price to $399 (the REAL price) to stimulate demand now that the product is a critical success and relatively bug-free. At least 500,000 iPhones went out at the old price, which means Apple made $100 million in extra profit...So Steve slapped his customers around a bit and what happened?

Wow. Now that's what I call insight. Apple introduces a phone that's the biggest thing since Jesus at a ridiculously high price, and tons of people buy it. A high price to meet high demand. And why did Apple (re: Steve Jobs) do this? Not to piss people off, not to raise money for the environment, but to make money. My God. They wanted to profit. Those bastards.

For an analysis by say, reasonable people, see Fake Steve or Daring Fireball.

P.S. Since when is lowering your price considered slapping your customers? Thanks Steve!

ip

Sumo wrestlers make babies cry...on purpose

This is hysterical. It's known as Crying Sumo. As CNN describes it:

Babies face each other and are coaxed to cry. The first to bawl is declared the winner. The ritual is a wish for the good health of the children, as crying reputedly is beneficial for babies.

Enjoy the pictures, courtesy of CNN.

Top Ten Body Hacks

Check out Lifehacker's list of the top ten body hacks, listed below:

1. Hold your breath longer.
2. Cure warts with duct tape.
3. Stop brain freeze with your tongue.
4. Scratch your leg to make it to the lou.
5. Power use your ears.
6. Free your mind under a high ceiling.
7. Think while you sleep.
8. Cure hiccups with water.
9. Whistle with two fingers.
10. Tell if someone's lying.
    

Duke Lacrosse Case

I often have strong feelings about things that I know little about. This is not uncommon. It's not a bad thing to have opinions. It is a bad thing to make strong claims when you don't know what the hell you're talking about. I apologize for being somewhat coarse, but if you haven't done your homework than you should shut...the fuck...up. Or at least present your views with a grain of salt. Of course, this is just my opinion, but it's one I've thought a lot about.

Case in point: the duke lacrosse case. I have my own opinions about it, but I haven't looked into it too closely. Neither have most people. If you're interested, and want to say something about it, why don't you read this first. It's the report from the office of the attorney general of North Carolina. I haven't read it. Maybe they're lying in it, I wouldn't know. But you should at least read it before you shoot your mouth off.

Suitcase Bike

This is awesome. And if we apply Moore's law to vehicles, this means were only 3 weeks away from being able to by the Jetsons car which turned into a suitcase when not in use. Also it flew. And did other crazy stuff. It was awesome.

Stephen Hawking fails to vomit

Sir Stephen Hawking, who is apparently rather bright, recently flewin the Vomit Comet in order to experience weightlessness. He also went for some rather blunt symbolism in the process.

Like footloose on crack.

I know this is probably all a cutural thing, but I'm pretty not cool with mildly amorous pecks on the cheek (by people, not birds) being arrestable offenses. In fact, I'm not cool with full on making out being an arrestable offense. It's lame, not morally indecent. And besides, even if you think it is, screw you. But then again, maybe it's a cultural or religious thing. All I'm saying is...lame.

By the way, the story is that an Indian court has issued an order for Richard Gere's arrest after he kissed a bollywood star on the cheek repeatedly at an AIDS awareness event in India.

R.I.P. Valenti

For those of you who haven't heard, Jack Valenti (formerly of the MPAA) has died.

The story of a boy, a girl, and a universe...

So I, along with most other boys and nerdier girls, was a huge fan of star wars when I was a kid. Then I grew up, and realized, while revolutionary in terms of special effects, Star Wars is far from a perfect movie. It's pretty mediocre, really. But you know what's not mediocre? This trailer for the original movie. It's bad. Really, really, really bad.

'Maybe a jerk' ≠ Rapist

I'd really like to drive home this point, along with a few others. When considering individual instances of injustice, it is not reasonable to discount its importance by saying that this kind of thing happens to other people and nobody cares. If the legal system tries to screw over three white guys who might be rich, that's just as bad as if it had been three black men. I am not saying that there are not important issues of race when considering the fairness of our justice system. I haven't researched it in depth, but it seems as though

http://blogs.abcnews.com/terrymoran/2007/04/dont_feel_too_s_1.html

Who pranks a wedding?

No, seriously. Who pranks a wedding?

MacBook Pro Hard Drive Upgrade

I've been trying to figure out how to upgrade my MacBook Pro's internal hard drive. This guide recently came to my attention, for anyone else trying to do the same.

Quick Google Tips

Two really quick tips. One, if you're a gmail user, lifehacker has this new plugin for firefox that adds some good functionality to gmail. Secondly, if you're a google reader addict like me then you might like this skin that makes it a bit more mac like. It has a few glitches, but nothing that affects functionality. That's all.

I Hate You James Rosen.

In his recent video obituary of Kurt Vonnegut, James Rosen violates many rules that I have always assumed everybody knew intuitively re: obituaries.

1. Do not lie.
2. Minor ideological differences (e.g. conservative versus liberal) do not make it OK to be disrespectful of the dead.
3. Do not intentionally mislead people.

There are many others violated in this obit, but I'm too irked to bother checking again. I have always assumed that most people knew that making light of the fact that somebody might have died unhappy is not appropriate. I'm not saying you're not allowed to dislike people just cause they're dead. If you thought George Bush was the worst president ever, you'd be allowed to criticize him in his obituary. He's president. That's his job. You can dislike him over it and say so. However, an obituary that focused arbitrarily on, say, the fact that Bush was bad at foosball and a bad father, would be uncool.

Kurt Vonnegut was a writer. A good writer. If you didn't like his books, fine, whatever. But don't act as though you're opinion is the norm. Furthermore, unless they killed someone, you do not...do not...ever...celebrate the fact that somebody was sad when they died, or got depressed and tried to commit suicide. It's not appropriate, necessary, or informative. Put it in your Vonnegut biography or something. Not in a f***ing obituary, James Rosen, you son of a bitch.

Delicious Website

If you're a mac user who has also shelled out cold hard cash for a mildly useful vanity program (re: Delicious Library) then this might interest you. One of the most annoying things about the program is that it doesn't have a good way to put your library online. This program, DeliciWeb 2, does just that. It's free, although you need to have the not-free Delicious Library to use it. Here's the website I made if you want to take a look. It's not amazing, but it's a pretty good tool to use while you wait for the coders to (hopefully) put this feature into DL 2.

Be Creepy, Store Books

Many of my friends know (well, okay, my friend knows) that it's my not-so-secret ambition to one day live in a house full of secret passages and the like. As a result of this passion, I think that this bookcase door is freaking awesome. If you're cheap or not lazy, there's also this do-it-yourself version.

Le Towelé

Somebody took The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy a bit to seriously...

The Landlord

I know there are some pretty strong feelings over whether or not Will Ferrell is funny, but personally this short film falls on the funny side for me. I would have embedded it but I can't figure out how to prevent this stupid site's embedded player from playing automatically, so you're going to have to use the link.

I recently co-wrote a play along with Justin Snyder for Carleton's annual 24-Hour Play. The way it works is that the writers show up at 8pm the night before the play goes up, and have 12 hours to write a roughly 15-minute play. Then the actors and directors show up at 8am and have 12 hours to get it up and running, and the show starts at eight. I've acted in one before (last year at Carleton), and whether you're writing, acting, or (presumably) directing, it's a wonderfully terrifying and fun experience. Below, I've posted the entirety of Justin and my's play: The Cucumber King & I. For those of you who are interested, it's based on a true story (see p50 of Schott's Original Miscellany).

Our play was directed wonderfully by Jared Christensen, with the following fantastic cast:

KING JOE (Matthew Pechous)
QUEEN EVELYN (Annelise Lawson)
ISAAC - THE GRAND VIZIER (Bill White)
FRANCIS - THE CUCUMBER KING (Jared Evans)
DAVID - ROYAL HISTORIAN (Matthew Pechous)

Here we go.

The Cucumber King & I
by Justin Snyder & Michael Sterling

SCENE ONE

We are at the farm of Francis, a cucumber farmer in the fictional country of Western Estonesia. Enter ISAAC, the Grand Vizier, and EVELYN the queen.

EVELYN

Tell me again why you’ve dragged your Queen--Queen of all Western Estonesia, to this godforsaken cucumber farm.

ISAAC

Well, my sweet, here is where we will finally rid ourselves of your suspicious, meddlesome, cuckold of a husband.

EVELYN

Ah, I see, but where will we find the oblivious oaf to take his place?

Enter FRANCIS with cucumber basket.

ISAAC

Have no fear, my precious jewel, all you need do is seduce the rube, and I will take care of the rest. Quick, the cucumber poision!

EVELYN

You’re the best Grand Vizier an unsatisfied Queen could hope to bang.

ISAAC

Now back to your “beloved” husband, hurry!

EVELYN exits. FRANCIS approaches.

ISAAC

Ah, greetings peasant.

FRANCIS

Francis.

ISAAC

Yes, yes, I see. And what is it that you do?

Francis looks at the cucumbers he’s holding.

FRANCIS

I...sell cucumbers.

ISAAC

Of course you do, Frederick.

FRANCIS

Francis.

ISAAC

Whatever. Do you know why I’m here?

FRANCIS

...you want to buy a cucumber?

ISAAC

Not I my good friend, I am simply here to prepare you for the impending visit of His Royal Highness, the King of Western Estonesia, and his beautiful wife, Queen Evelyn.

FRANCIS

Oh. Do they want a cucumber?

ISAAC

As it so happens, they do. So fetch the finest cucumber you have.

FRANCIS looks at his tray and chooses a particularly ripe cucumber.

FRANCIS

How about this one?

ISAAC

Finer!

FRANCIS picks up the next cucumber.

FRANCIS

This one?

ISAAC

That may serve. I must consider the matter in private. Leave me.

ISAAC walks away and obviously poisons cucumber. Enter EVELYN, seductively.

EVELYN

Ah, you must be the proprietor of this cucumber establishment.

FRANCIS

I guess.

EVELYN

You are a beautiful man.

She embraces him.

No! We mustn’t!

She pushes him away.

FRANCIS

Look lady...uh...highness, I think that guy’s got your cucumber.

EVELYN

You’re right, we must control ourselves. This love is not to be.

A herald noise.

EVELYN

Shh! My husband approaches.

(sotto voce)

Act casual.

ISAAC rejoins the two of them and kneels.

ISAAC

Hail His Royal Highness, Begetter of the Begotten, Lord of All He Surveys, King Josef the First of Western Estonesia!

As ISAAC says this, King Joe enters. He is far less formal than ISAAC or EVELYN.

KING JOE

(searching for a name)
Hello...uh...

ISAAC

Franklin.

KING JOE

Franklin!

FRANCIS

Francis.

KING JOE

Do you have any cucumbers?

ISAAC hands KING JOE the cucumber.

ISAAC

I have already procured one, Your Highness.

KING JOE

Looks good.

ISAAC

I assure you, sir, it is the finest, most decadent cucumber in all of Western Estonesia.

FRANCIS

Actually, cucumber is the primary source of nutrition for all of Western Estonesia, so there’s probably a better cucumber somewh--

ISAAC

Quiet Phillip!

FRANCIS

Francis.

KING JOE

Looks good to me.

Takes a bite.

Tastes kind of funny though.

KING JOE dies.

FRANCIS

Hey man, are you okay?

ISAAC

Oh my god! The King is dead!

EVELYN

Noooo! My beloved husband!

FRANCIS

What? How?

ISAAC

He was poisoned!

EVELYN

Felix, you didn’t!

FRANCIS

Poisoned? Of course I didn’t! He was poisoned?

EVELYN

So our love could live!

FRANCIS

I just met you!

ISAAC

The penalty for high treason is death. He must be executed!

EVELYN

No!

FRANCIS

No! What the hell?!

EVELYN

Isn’t there anything we can do?

ISAAC

Alas, the law is clear...unless...no. If only you were married...

EVELYN

Yes!

FRANCIS

Married? Who? Us?

ISAAC

Yes, you see. Queen Evelyn is...the Queen!

FRANCIS

Not following.
Okay.

ISAAC

And by all rights, the husband of the Queen is the King!

EVELYN

Of course! And if were to marry, that would make you King! And you cannot execute the King, for that would be high treason! And the penalty for high treason is death!

FRANCIS

(to ISAAC)
So if we get married...you won’t execute me?

ISAAC

Precisely.

FRANCIS

And if we don’t?

ISAAC

Then I’m afraid I will have no choice but to fetch the alligators.

FRANCIS takes this in, comes to a decision.

FRANCIS

To the wedding chapel!

EXUBERANT EXEUNT


SCENE TWO

EVELYN

I cannot stand that man!

ISAAC

What man is that, my love?

EVELYN

My husband, you nitwit. The so called cucumber king.

ISAAC

You mean...does he suspect something?

EVELYN

Of course not, the man is a buffoon. All he cares about are those damn cucumbers. 87% of our nation’s nutritional intake my ass! I haven’t a cucumber in years!

ISAAC

So what do you eat?

EVELYN

Pickles!

ISAAC

But don’t you see? He’s perfect for our plan!

EVELYN

We have been married nearly 3 weeks and the man hasn’t even tried to touch me!

ISAAC

Precisely, my blossom. With that cucumber-loving puppet in charge, we can continue to rule the country behind the scenes with no risk to ourselves.

EVELYN

But if you love me so much, why don’t you just marry me?

ISAAC

(under his breath)

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

EVELYN

What was that?

ISAAC

Nothing my precious bejeweled blossom of beauty. He will serve.

EVELYN

But we must put a stop to this damn cucumber talk.

ISAAC

But the nutrients!

EVELYN

Fuck nutrition! I never want to hear, see, or taste another cucumber again!

ISAAC

Of course, my love. I shall devise a plan.

EVELYN

Do so, and quickly.

ISAAC ponders for only a moment, and almost immediately comes up with a plan.

ISAAC

Ah, I have it.

EVELYN

And?

SCENE THREE

The throne room. David, the royal historian, is in the middle of an audience with the king.

FRANCIS

How precisely do you lose an elephant?

DAVID

Not lost my lord! Stolen!

FRANCIS

Somebody stole your elephant? Wait, you have an elephant?

DAVID

Of course, I am the Royal Historian.

FRANCIS

So you have an elephant.

DAVID

(sighs)

You know nothing of our history.

(beat)

Sire, to your knowledge, what is the most effective means of assassination?

FRANCIS

Cucumber poison?

DAVID

Elephant.

FRANCIS

What?

DAVID

The first known elephant-related assassination was of king Uzana in 1254, who was trampled to death by an elephant whose identity is unknown to this very day.

FRANCIS

Yeah, and?

DAVID

But it was no accident, sir. 60 years later Uzana’s successor was killed in a similar manner.

FRANCIS

That was hundreds of years ago, I still don’t think...

DAVID

Throughout our country’s history, most successful assassinations of a monarch suggest elephant involvement, at least in the preliminary stages.

FRANCIS

This is ridiculous. Elephants are only animals. Silly looking animals. A few accidents don’t prove anything--

DAVID

I believe this all to be the work of a secret cabal of assassins who employ elephants to kill powerful leaders such as yourself. I have a wealth of evidence to support my...

Elephant noises offstage.

DAVID

No! I’m too late!

FRANCIS

Oh god, not the cucumbers! I must protect the nutrients!

EXEUNT.

SCENE FOUR

Several days later FRANCIS, ISAAC, EVELYN, and DAVID are in the throne room.

ISAAC

The riots are becoming worse, they are at the palace gates even now.

EVELYN

What do they want?

FRANCIS

Damn it, Evelyn, they want food! The elephant destroyed all the cucumbers!

EVELYN

If they have no cucumbers, let them eat pickles!

DAVID

As Royal Historian, there is strong historical precedent against such talk.

FRANCIS

And besides, you idiot, pickles are made of cucumbers.

ISAAC

Don’t talk to her that way!

FRANCIS

She’s my wife. And she is an idiot!

ISAAC

The hell she is!

DAVID

Stop it, all of you! This is just what the elephants want! Why do you think they destroyed our only source of food?

EVELYN

If you believed elephants were so dangerous, why were you keeping one as a pet?

DAVID

He wasn’t a pet! How could I learn to protect my friends and family without seeing the creature’s strengths and weaknesses first hand? Did you know that the elephant has four knees?! Four! Besides, if the cucumber crop were to fail, that elephant could have fed our people for months!

ISAAC

The palace is no longer safe. The people will breach the gates in a matter of minutes. Evelyn, come with me. Two of us can escape more easily than four!

EVELYN

But how? Where will we go?

FRANCIS

Honey, what are you doing!

EVELYN

I’m sorry, Ferguson.

FRANCIS

Francis!

EVELYN

Whatever.

FRANCIS

But I thought you loved me? Hasn’t this time we’ve spent together meant anything to you?

EVELYN

No! I can’t even remember your name you damn silly, cucumber-loving fool of a farmer!

FRANCIS

(dejected)

Oh. Right. I guess this is the end of the Cucumber King!

EVELYN and ISAAC start to leave.

DAVID

Stop! Wait, we must stick together. A house divided against itself will be crushed by an elephant! But it can’t if we work together as a team. Forget who’s banging who’s Queen, or who’s a meaningless figurehead in his own kingdom, or who spends all day annoying the royal historian with inane cucumber anecdotes when he’s trying to consider counter-elephant tactics! Come on, I know a way out! An elephant-proof way out! This way!

He waves them off-stage. As the third one exits, we hear an angry elephant trumpet. Their screams are cut off by the sound of a loud, comical splat.

DAVID

No! No! But how? How could he have crushed them all?!

(beat)

Oh right. Four knees.

(beat)

Damn.

BLACKOUT